Humor: Divorce

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!"

She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.

The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.

Humor: Fred

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.

He starts the stop by asking the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer, in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Illegal immigration

Democrats working diligently for open borders and open immigration


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Democrat logic: 

Let's allow millions of illegals to come into the country so that we can give them welfare payments and FREE health care to help the economy grow and prosper. 10/29/13

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"credible fear" of drug cartels. … the magic words [i.e., immigration law] that allows immigrants from Mexico to seek asylum in USA at the border. Federal Immigration housing them in local hotels. [foxnews.com] 8/13/13

/

Good news for Obama, Holder and Reed. More legal Democrat dependents. Do you suppose they receive a voter ID card and driver's license with their Big Dem Gov hotel room?

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US to help Syrian rebels, some of whom are Al Qaeda and some of whom are Muslim Brotherhood.

Then, Dems want to give asylum in US to Syrian refugees while being unable to distinguish the bonafied refugees from evil “terrorist”

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Amnesty for illegals gives Democrats a vote majority for the next decade and increases our debt. Republican Party relegated to insignificance if not oblivion [R.I.P.] until the illegals figure out that dependency is a dream-killing form of economic slavery and Conservatives are able convert the self-motivated achievers into becoming Tea Party members. =TheRightJack on 6/18/13

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Unfair. Dems call GOP immigration proposal unfair. In essence, Democrats regard it as unfair to give preference to talented and educated people who can come into the county and earn a living while keeping more uneducated dependents out. This has absolutely nothing to do with fairness, a key Democrat slush-all term. This is pure politics. The uneducated with limited skills will rely on the over-burdened Big Dem Gov welfare system if they are going to survive in the USA or any other nation – and vote Democrat. In this case, fairness means votes. 11/30/12

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Posted 1/3/10

Last December, Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-Ill.) introduced The Comprehensive Immigration Reform for America's Security and Prosperity Act (H.R. 4321), the third time in 4 years that Congress has attempted to address immigration reform.

Unfortunately, this bill contains many of the same terrible proposals that were defeated in the past 2 bills! The American public has more than once spoken against massive amnesties in record numbers. Yet , our lawmakers continue to force this policy on the American public!

Illegal immigration amnesty alive and well

Read more about this at the Heritage Foundation
http://www.heritage.org/Research/Immigration/wm1468.cfm

As we should know, amnesty for illegal immigrants is simply a way to generate [sic, buy] new Democrat voters.

315 lies by Obama

315 Lies

Obama supporters will go hysterical over this well sourced list of 315 examples of his lying, lawbreaking, corruption, cronyism, etc.

By Dan from Squirrel Hill

Posted on August 15, 2013. Updated on October 4, 2013.

As the author of this blog post, I place it into the public domain. Anyone may freely copy it in any part or in its entirely, without asking my permission, and without paying any money. I do ask you please cite a link to

http://danfromsquirrelhill.wordpress.com/2013/08/15/obama-252/

Every President, every politician, and every human being tells lies and engages in acts of hypocrisy. But Barack Obama does these things to a far greater degree than anyone else that I have ever known of. His campaign promises were so much better sounding than anyone else’s – no lobbyists in his administration, waiting five days before signing all non-emergency bills so people would have time to read them, putting health care negotiations on C-SPAN, reading every bill line by line to make sure money isn’t being wasted, prosecution of Wall St. criminals, ending raids against medical marijuana in states where it’s legal, high levels of transparency. Obama’s promises of these wonderful things sounded inspiring and sincere. They sounded so much better than the promises of any other President. So when Obama broke these promises, it felt so much worse than when other Presidents broke their promises. [danfromsquirrelhill] 10/6/13

Humor: Ambiguity

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AmBiGuItY, AS WELL AS THE iDiOsYnCrAsIeS OF ENGLISH:
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET RELIGION.....which requires a lot of faith and hope that there is no God to hold them responsible for their wrongdoings!

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? (This one took me a minute)

23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?

35. WHY DO WE PARK IN A DRIVEWAY AND DRIVE ON A PARKWAY? - - - Gallagher

36. IN A LOGICAL WORLD, MEN WOULD RIDE SIDE SADDLE - - - GALLAGHER
37. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN IGNORANCE AND APATHY? I DON'T KNOW AND I DON'T CARE!

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty." - - - Winston Churchill