Fighter pilots

A fighter pilot is one of those elite men who has been selected to fly sleek, sexy, supersonic aircraft in dazzling aerial combat, as well as put on cool Air Shows and pose for photographs. Only the best pilots in the world get to be fighter pilots. The rest fly slow, heavy, ugly aircraft used to haul garbage out of Hong Kong --- or worse --- Detroit.

Typically, fighter pilots wear elaborate uniforms which they claim are specially designed to be fireproof to protect them in case of an emergency. Actually, however, the uniforms are made of a special type of cloth which repels beer stains. Note: You can tell the really 'shit hot' Fighter Pilots by the zipper on the beer repelling uniform. The lower it is, the more skilled the aviator. These "flight suits" also allow a fighter pilot to be able to get dressed and undressed in under ten seconds flat, and also perform various skills such as 'ball-walking', a maneuver that might otherwise be impossible or painful in normal attire.

Fighter pilots have been a part of every major conflict since that day, making notable appearances in World Wars 1, 2, and 4. After the Vietnam War (actually it was after WWII, but why quibble over details?), the United States Air Force was created in 1947, and consists entirely of fighter pilots. In 1947, Chuck Yeager, the first American fighter pilot, became the First man to fly faster than the speed of light.

Facts about Fighter Pilots

Fighter pilots are absolutely irresistible to women, who will drop their panties if a fighter pilot so much as enters the room.

Fighter pilots are highly skilled and take pride in their ability to consume massive quantities of alcohol, and can speak in complete sentences consisting entirely of swear words. All real fighter pilots are men!

How do you tell if a fighter pilot is in the room? Just wait a minute... He'll tell you!

Fighter pilots always wear large dark sunglasses.

Fighter pilots drive the fastest, most flashy car money can buy, and they always have the speedometer on the peg.


Fighter pilots wear a bigger watch than you. It's an easier target for when they shoot it with their hands.

Fighter pilots do not high-five.

Fighter pilots do not carry briefcases.

Most fighter pilots chase women with cute asses. A-10 fighter pilots chase women with cute purses.

Fighter pilots subsist on a diet consisting entirely of coffee, cigars, cigarettes, beer, and whiskey.

Fighter pilots are better and cooler than you.

Fighter pilots each have their own 'Verizon network' consisting entirely of Bikini clad beer girls with loose morals. Can you beer me now? Good.

Fighter pilots usually are given testosterone-ridden call signs like 'Jockstrap' or 'Whiplash'. However, those who try to name themselves are invariably given the call sign 'Manbitch' or 'Maggot'.

Fighter pilots can fly ANYTHING, better than anyone else. They could even fly heavy transport aircraft, but they would certainly never want to, nor do they NEED to.

Fighter pilots are often seen as exceedingly arrogant and full of themselves. However, they have earned it, so do not scoff, remember that YOU will never get to fly that fighter jet!

If you wish to take down a fighter pilot, don't even think about it when he's anywhere within a hundred kilometers of his flying metal monster. Wait till he's on the ground and you have an M1 Abrams at your disposal. Unless he's flying an F-4, in which case you're screwed.

They don't give a shit if the pattern is full. They WILL buzz the tower whenever they damn well please.

The Thunderbirds and Blue Angels are NOT fighter pilots. They are Movie Stars. They are usually re-admitted to the role of the fighter pilot when they move on to their next assignments.

Fighter pilots have a secret hand gesture and handshake. They will never tell you what they are, and you will never see them do them in public (unless you are a hot, slightly drunk, 25-year old nymphomaniac stripper attending the O-Club on a Friday night.)

Fighter pilots are a dying breed: The last fighter pilot has been born. In 10 Years, all fighters will be unmanned. The world will be a sadder place for it and YOU will NEVER be a fighter pilot.