Cash for Codgers

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Cash for Codgers v1

In order to address public concern with the federal government's proposals for health care reform and building upon the success of the popular "Cash for Clunkers" program, the Obama administration is proud to announce "Cash for Codgers."

Each senior in your household (aged 65 or above) may be turned for a $4,500 instant cash reward at a conveniently located Senior Turn-In Center near you.

Each Senior will be disposed of humanely, using an intravenous drip consisting of a saline, morphine, short-acting barbiturate and a chemical paralytic solution. This saves the Social Security Administration and Medicare from spending between $40,000 to $80,000 for an average end-of-life treatment.

President Obama praised the proposal, calling it an "elegant and humane way to solve the health care crisis, Medicare spending deficits and the 'overwhelming number of right-wing zealots' who are seniors -- all at the same time!"

Cash for Codgers v2

With the advent of the new ØCare, and the difficulties people will encounter, I figure, why not?

Have a gall bladder that needs to be removed? Stop on by the local clinic- and bring Aunt Edna with you. Doctors will pound some digitalis down her to destroy her internal organs so there won’t be any likelihood of her coming back around to bug you. And you’ll feel so much better, having had your Gall bladder repaired while subtracting an aging consumer from our medical welfare rolls!

Here’s a fee schedule that I think will make some sense.

Heart surgery? Two geezers.
Colonoscopy? one geezer or two dogs.
Boob job? five geezers and a bowl of goldfish. And one abortion.
Liver replacement? One geezer and all his clothes, and a cat.

Cash for Codgers v3

... it works like this... Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts.

Special "Bonuses" will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their government prescribed weight, and any member of the Republican Party.

Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel sprouts, or Girl Scout Cookies.

All codgers will be rendered totally useless via toxic injection. This will insure that they are not secretly resold or their body parts harvested to keep other codgers in repair.

Cash for Codgers v4

The President Lays Out New Universal Healthcare Program By Lord Vegas - Posted on August 3rd, 2009. Tagged: Op-Ed

By Ima Tuele
of the New York Times News Service

Due to the extreme popularity of the "Cash for Clunkers" auto rebate program, whereby new car buyers may obtain up to $4500 in federal government rebates by turning in older, less efficient vehicles, the president has decided to announce a new wrinkle in his Universal Healthcare proposals.

During a Townhall Meeting in Ottumwa, Iowa, President Obama unveiled an innovative proposal to cut healthcare costs, to be called "Cash for Codgers**." Young, uninsured Americans may receive up to a $5000 healthcare voucher for medical treatment, if they turn in for exchange an older, unhealthy relative.

The older relative must be between the ages of 65 and 90, and preferable should be suffering from some debilitating or expensive to treat disease. Relatively healthy old people will be considered for the program, the president explained, but preference would be given to those "on their last legs."

"I believe this can be a teachable moment," the president told the handpicked crowd of under thirty-year-olds. "We know that over half of all healthcare costs are incurred in a persons final year of life. What we need to do, to hold down government sponsored healthcare costs, is to simply eliminate that final year," he explained.

Certain criteria would have to be met, the president explained. The old person must have been a continuous relative for at least the prior ten year -- to prevent conflicts surrounding ex-inlaws -- and must not have suffered a coma in the last five years.

When asked about the presidents revolutionary proposal, Vice President Joe the Biden said that he thought that, if successful, the program might be expanded to include any old person, not merely relatives. "Why do we want to make the program so narrow?" he asked.

Sitting with friends at Katie's Diner in Wilmington, the Vice President suggested, "Any young person, looking for an opportunity to pick up quality government healthcare, could bring in an old homeless person -- or one of those guys sitting on the side of the road with the 'Will work for food' signs."

"You know that's not true...they won't really work," the Vice President added.

White House Press Secretary Andy Gibb deflected the Vice President's statements, suggesting that it might be time to investigate regulating Biden's meds.

Not all Congressional Democrats were willing to offer support for the president's plan. Senators Tim Johnson and Edward Kennedy both expressed reservations, unless there were ironclad guarantees that Congress would be exempt from the program.

Source: The popularity of the Obama Cash for Clunkers has prompted the development of a “Cash for Codgers” program. I found several versions of this on the web.

My added thoughts are that since the age of 65 is an arbitrary date, it could be a moving target as needed [i.e., age 60 or 55] to aid in balancing the government health care budget. To trade-in your friends, relatives and neighbors, just send an anonymous email to Snitch@LikeICare.gov. All plans failed to mention that Congress, union members, ACORN and trial lawyers will not be eligible as trade-ins for this program. … the right jack
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